Why We Need to have Open, Free-of-Shame and Soulful Conversations about Sex and Sexuality

As a love and intimacy coach, I wasn’t sure what reactions I’d get when bringing up the topic of sex at social gatherings. Especially in a conservative society as Hong Kong.

Would there be uncomfortable silence, polite listening, then an embarrassing change of subject? Or would someone make a joke to deflect or diminish my message? Would there be judgmental stares or no eye contact, either making me feel invisible? Will my voice be smothered and unheard? Or worse, will I feel unsafe?

Well, that doesn’t deter me. After years of embracing and embodiment of my sexuality, I’m at ease speaking about it. Thousands of hours of learning, practices, tools and rituals. Going deep within myself.  Frustration, pain, fear, numbness, opening up to pleasure, love, bliss, joy and my truth.

So let me tell you why we need to have more conversations about sex and sexuality. Not only the clinical discussions with doctors or therapists. But about sexual magic, our core essence, lighting us up from inside, our bodies as the soulful temple housing our sexual energy.

Sexuality is life.  Think about the billions of ancestors having sex in one way or another, for each of us to be here.  How often do we speak in a safe and sacred way about this core celebration of life?

Healthy sexuality brings high vibrations of aliveness, bliss and joy. It creates radiance, inner glow, being in sync with the rhythm of nature.

Don’t we need to have conversations about this?

Authentic sexuality is our truth and core power we are born into. Before our conditioning from family, education, religion, culture and media began covering it up, layer after layer.  Layers which limit us to rigid emotions and mental patterning. Layers which cause us internal conflict, pain, suffering and struggle. Conditioning by the big lie that sex and sexual self are shameful, dirty and scary.

Sex-negative cultures damage and hurt girls and women through objectification, abuse and violation.  Inflicting shame and guilt to disempower. No wonder we have low self-love, poor body image, feeling unworthy and broken.  Sexual pleasure shuts down with judgment, fear and trauma. It’s a safety mechanism preventing us from our true sexual expression.

And it damages and hurts boys and men, as well. Sexual repression creates a monster, where dehumanising aspects leak out. Males may mainly be the perpetrators in rape, sexual violations and abuse. Consumers of pornography. Yet they are also victims of sexual trauma and victims likely become perpetrators

Even though most men don’t engage in such distorted behaviour, they largely experience huge internal conflict, disconnect, deep loneliness and hollow sexuality. As do women. There is collective sexual trauma in our modern world.

Don’t we need to have conversations about this?

We have a body-mind divide in modern society. We value our mind, which has amazing intellectual capabilities. But we often ignore a greater intelligence that is ours—that of our body, whose wisdom is so powerful and deep.

Sexual negativity and repression are the root of pretty much everyone’s problems. Like when we compensate for our not-enoughness, through overwork and overachievement. Or when we give in to addictions. When we liberate our sexual energy and create body freedom, we get closer, with grace and ease, to what we desire in life. Good health, wealth, ease, abundance, strong connections and intimate relationships…

We are sexual beings, even as babies and children. But with the cultural narrative associating sexual energy with sex, no wonder we reject our sexuality (or until we’re married). Taoists, from over a thousand years ago, harnessed sexual energy, jing, converting to qi, vital life force energy and shen, spiritual energy. Imagine what you can do with all that life force and spiritual energy, transmuted from core sexual energy.

Don’t we need to have conversations about this?

Sex positive cultures revel in the beauty, glory and sacredness of the female body, its cycles, fertility, source of life and creativity. The treasure, the holy grail. It raises the goddess in every woman and alongside, a man in his true king nature. Together, they have a sexual connection that’s physically, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling for both partners. Sex that feeds the soul. Reaching the depths of their sacred connection in divine consciousness.

You can’t have better intimate relationships without better sex. And you can only have better sex when feeling safe, being open, vulnerable and free of guilt and shame. Through learning, practices and training, you can have better sex.

In our increasingly tech world and AI, we all the more need to balance that with nurturing what it is to be truly human. Integrate our sacredness with our humanness, our sovereign body with our divine.

Don’t we need to have conversations about this?

Now what happened at those social settings when I spoke about sex and sexuality? In most cases, not only did I have complete attention, in fact people were fascinated and hungry to know more. To have a safe forum to learn, share experiences, be empowered and celebrate their sexuality.

Yes, we need to have more of these open, free-of-shame and soulful conversations and create a sex-positive paradigm from the existing narrative.

To have these conversations or learn how to have better sex, contact Linda Moana Coaching.

Although this article illustrates in heterosexual context, it applies to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.